I was starting to feel different about myself beginning November of 2018. I had numerous sleepless nights — mostly self-blaming thoughts which I kept on repeating onto myself and in effect emotionally deepening the gap I had with God. I was worrying about the future which I realized I have no full control of. Ashamed to say this but I had no trust in our great big God. No, I was not trying to take my life but I believe because I am under worked in my current job (read here) plus the fact that I live alone and have not much support system, I have so much time to think of just anything. The effects of those sleepless nights were making me very moody and more often than not feeling useless to anybody. Maybe I was depressed. I did not want to admit it back then because of the negative stigma attached to it. I never thought I can be “one of those people” especially since I have God. I felt such a disappointing child. Aren’t we all sinners? But acceptance is key to help myself grow and so I believed what the doctors said.
Yes, I went to several doctors the month after. I went because it has already been a month and I still. can’t. sleep.
The very first doctor I consulted with was just a general doctor but I didn’t choose to find a specialist at that time because I was really desperate to get well fast. I felt I was running out of time. Coincidentally, the doctor is also a Christian and so he mentioned about praying and trusting the Lord. I understood what he said but I guess my heart was not willing to surrender my problems. He prescribed me with Melatonin (5 mg) and Iterax (25 mg) which initially I thought was a sleeping pill but it was more of an anti-allergy medicine that has a drowsiness effect. I was really afraid of being dependent on some medicine for sleep. It sounds so unhealthy. Aside from that, he also asked me to have my blood checked. He was suspecting it was hyperthyroidism. I was doubtful because I was not really losing weight at a very fast pace. I lost 8 kgs in over a year which is quite slow in fact. I was not also palpitating. But I had insomnia which is one of the symptoms.
The next day, when the blood test results came out, true enough everything was normal except my thyroid results. This time, I was willing to go to a specialist and thankfully I found one inside the area I currently live in. I have what they call sub-clinical hyperthyroidism. It’s still on the verge of becoming hyperthyroidism. It can still normalize on its own so my Manila based endocrinologist suggested to wait it out and see before prescribing medicine. She had me on two more tests to make sure— an ultrasound and a TSH blood test. For the ultrasound result, I had no bumps. It’s good but it’s not an indicator whether it can go worse or not. The TSH blood test showed a result that was out of the normal range but relatively, it was not very high so I was still “ok”.
During the latter part of November, I was trying NOT to think of my non-existent problems anymore because I know God is bigger than my problems but I still had difficulty falling asleep. It must be something within my body this time. But after finding out the lab results, for some reason, there was peace in my heart. I did not get angry with God for making me get sick. Maybe because now at least there’s a real reason behind my sleepless nights. There’s a reason for my vulnerability which is good news to my ears because I like to have answers to my questions. Moreover, I know for the fact that God’s plans are always good, pleasing and perfect. I may not understand why I was very emotional (including panic attacks) during the last quarter of 2018 and why it hit me at this stage of my life, but this moment is the best time when I just have nowhere to look but focus on the perfect hope — God.
On January 2019, I began taking anti-thyroid medicine which will be the case for the next 2 years — that is until 2021. I went back home (for almost a month, yas!) and booked a session with my home-based endocrinologist. She is also the doctor of my mom who was also diagnosed with hyperthyroidism during her 30s. It’s highly genetic.
We had a long talk about my living and working environment and she commented it was not healthy. I believe it’s true. Most days during the work week, I am just by myself partly because I choose to but majorly because there’s no actual reason for me to go to the office since I don’t work with anybody there. My work is all online. Don’t get me wrong — we’re allowed to work from home so I was not violating any rule. At first I was enjoying alone time. But the negative effects became more dominating. I was isolating myself more and having difficulty in looking for my “place” in the office. I think the root cause was when I was beginning to feel neglected by others as if there was something unlikeable about me. I was pushed away — a visible proof that pained my fragile heart. It seemed that I did not know how to belong anymore or rather I did not really belong. It’s difficult if this is the setting almost everyday of your week. It was a downer. I had other friends in the city but it’s different when they have their family with them. Still, they were not enough. The ultimate effect was thinking about the problems I had created over and over again and having no one to share it with. I know I am not alone in this city but that was definitely what I felt.
She was one of the doctors who said I am depressed. She said a sign is feeling worthless which was a check for me. The first doctor who told me about me being depressed was my dad’s doctor-friend who was a neurologist. He asked if I was feeling hopeless:
I did even if I knew God is there. It’s just that my mind and heart were not as one.
He prescribed me with anti-depressants but they made me nauseous so I stopped them. Thankfully, I don’t think they are going to play a big part of my life now since I am willing to change my environment. I have enough medications to take! My home-based endocrinologist prescribed me with Tapdin (40 mg) / day for the first month and will go down to 20mg / day come February. I thought once I start taking medicine, I’ll be ok. However, 2 weeks later, I got the allergies which was highly due to Tapdin since I was never allergic to food before. Took another blood test and my diagnosis became hyperthyroidism already.
This time, I went to an allergologist to help reduce my growing redness and bumps. Prior to that, I panicked since I was shaking for quite a few minutes and decided to go to the ER. Even after the ER session, I was still not well. The allergologist said to take 2 weeks worth of medication. I’m currently on the 2nd week and praise God, the redness has died down but sometimes they still appear usually after I take a bath. I might have made my skin more sensitive now and hopefully it’s not the case where allergies are still present.
More importantly, what is God trying to teach me here?
- Health is wealth.
- Trust the Lord, in good times and most especially during bad times.
- List down things I am grateful for each day, this way I am recognizing the grace of God all the time.
- Pressing on the future full time is no use. Having goals and plans in the future is a different story. This is valid. Work hard and God will provide. Don’t worry because God is a provider if we do our part.
- Our prayers don’t change God’s will. They change our hearts.
- My best support system next to God is my family. I am not alone in my walk of faith.
- Jesus is my friend. He will never leave you.
- Christ is enough…. don’t you agree?
While waiting for things to come, trusting in the one who matters most is the best thing to do. Trust that everything is according to His plan and that He gives what is best for us. Now, I’m attempting to change my environment as best as I can of course with God’s grace. Since I have accepted my depression phase, I think I am better or gradually learning to really totally surrender all my worries to God who is the only constant thing in this ever changing world.
Please pray for me as I journey into this new healing chapter of my life!
